my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
