Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
