I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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