I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Houston, we have a squirter
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
