Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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