please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So many bounce houses so little time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
