i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize