I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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