he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
