I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
