he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
