I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
