Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
