I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
