so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
