I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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