The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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