i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
