She's JV to your varsity
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
