watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
