you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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