We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
