Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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