worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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