I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
