my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
