Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
