How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
