Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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