in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
