It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
