1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We need a shit load of segways right now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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