hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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