shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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