i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His hands were made for my vagina.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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