I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
