his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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