I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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