You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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