I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
