my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I AM VODKA MAN
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
