Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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