you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you never un-have a 4some
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
