Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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