While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
