Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
