we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
