I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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