oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
