Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
