i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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