so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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