I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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