Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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