did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
