You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
