Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
