Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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