was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Shitshow foam night was such a success
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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